My current situation –> Low Patient

Whenever I want to start blogging I have totally no idea how to start my first sentence. Should I start with “I’m back, MIA, I’m sorry, Hello readers”. I’m just so lame. I’m taking my time here to rant out whatever I can think right now. Rant in not a good topic but this is the only place where I can write freely and forget about it after my rage release over here. I truly believe if I hate something I have to change or try to put myself in someone’s shoes. Anyhow, I still want to rant out. Haha!!

  1. Before: Very patient

Now: Intolerant

I use to be a standalone person so I know my responsibility very well. I won’t even bother anyone who give me damn shit things. As long as I know I’m correct I will prove it. My time management is quiet good too but it is only apply for myself. When it come to teamwork, I damn $%^ up with them. Deal with attitude problem people, people whom crazy for power, people who always give me damn shit result. Damn it and &^&% your life man! My tolerance level totally drop and I still have to show a calm face. Really frustrated with this people.

  1. Before: Wait (max wait:1 hour)

Now: Wait (max wait: 10 minutes)

Standalone is easy because I do not need to wait for other people, I do not need to give explanation or inform anything, I do whatever I like! When people waiting for me I will feel so frustrated because I need to inform them when I am 100% focusing on my “stuff “. Worse case, my patients of waiting for people become very low. People waiting for me or I’m waiting for people really bother me.

Ok, that’s all my rant. Good night!

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Serious not so serious

Seriously I just make it to the year 2014. I feel like I have the chance to start fresh and make some positive steps towards making my life even better and cherries every moment. I am not going to make any resolution this year since is means something I probably won’t succeed. Instead a small goal for each month would be sensible (next post). Honestly, I am not in a good condition from the beginning of 2014. A lot of things happen in my life. Heart and brain turn numb where there is no tears or feelings as leaving person. The way I express my anger is much different from anyone. Some people will cry, some will sleep, some will blast the music to release the anger. As for me, entire incident trigger to bulimia and depression relapse. Don’t pity me because is not a right way. Is called disappointed! My mom and bros came to see me because of car crash. At the same time something happen and they have to drive back to hometown. In the end I just realize my dad ask them to go and find me again. He knows that I’m not really in a good situation (ask for medicine). So when my mom said they are coming back and my tears drop. I just don’t know why but indeed I feel much better. Words really can’t begin to describe how I feel but eventually it will turn back to the home button.

Let me free

Hola buenos dias. como estas usted? I have no idea how to start a little update on my life. I feel really uncomfortable to write my thought here but somehow I just wanted to express how grateful I am. I may not have a perfect life which I always dream of. My fantasy is always beautiful but somehow I was broken. It may not be perfect after pasting broken vast but somehow I am stronger now and begin to feel fixed. I am just like a cactus. Perhaps I never wanted to show how week I am from the outside. Therefore, I’m deceiving myself. But is ok…I am so grateful where my family are there for me when I was in the worse condition that is depression. Is insidious and repulsive that I couldn’t imagine how hard I try to live. I am a survival now because I am still breathing. One day I will be free from medicine. There are many things happen in my life that I couldn’t express out. I may express myself is a wrong way which I couldn’t help it. There are so many indescribable feelings. Depression, anorexia and now I am a bulimic. Sudden weight lose and now sudden weight gain. I am tired…..I am stronger. I can make it to the end!

When the time comes

Life is a garden. It is an opportunity. You can grow weeds, you can grow roses. Its all depends on you.

Is already May, time pass like the blink of an eye. My heart is full of soreness and happiness at the same time. Sometimes I just feel like a fool who wait for miracle to happen. Please just give me something to live for. I hate myself for hoping. I hate myself for loving. Perhaps is better to fall back and let things unfold rather than trying to fix everything and make it better. Depression is so insidious and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end or perhaps the motivation to get well is not even there. The outcomes affect me more that it should do. Possibly I choose to remain miserable. Please end here, please end here, please and please and please…. I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired…..

I need something to cheer me up but I don’t know how….

Finding My Light @ MichellePhan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My New Year was kind like a ghastly start. Everything does not go smoothly as what I have planned. It ended up with a word “pissed off”! Binging and purging on 1st of January and a little piss off with work. Second day, my tolerance exceed the limit! I need to burst out my anger here else I will go crazy for tomorrow at work. I give such a simple instruction to three leaders “hold the two boards and pass it to me”. Well is donkey what can I said? I respect them as a leader and experience worker but in the end I was quiet disappointed with their attitude and responsibility. The only word I can say is “You are worse than a donkey”. Well, after watching Michelle Phan video I feel more tranquil. Hopefully, everything will go on smoothly.